Archive for December, 2011

It’ll be a raucous caucus in Iowa this Tuesday They know how to really fuck shit up for realz (“Where’s alligator wrestling?”) But Rick “Frothy” Santorum is making a run He jumped to third behind Paul & Romney (Is that table for sale?) “Turd” rhymes with “third”, & “Mitt” with “shit” It’s almost like Iowa […]

A Half-Assed Nelson

December 28th, 2011

Nebraska Democratic Senator Ben Nelson Will not seek re-election this coming year (“I’m gonna live in a tree fort”) He now steps down at the tender age of 70 They all do grow up so fast, don’t they? He & actor Robert Preston were separated at birth: (Holy crap!) He then said, “Simply put, it’s […]

I’m Back Baby!

December 27th, 2011

Did you miss me?!?! Well sure you did! Hello? Anyone there? Anybody?!?! *Awkward silence* (Even computers know) Oooooooooookay. Moving on to 2012 suckers… Fun new observations while down in Florida: -Airport friends, it’s called a “moving WALK way” (“Walk way” is the key) Not a “standing” one. It’s in the title of the object -I […]

In the “Who The Hell Cares What He Has To Say” news Pat Robertson thought the SNL Tim Tebow sketch was (“Hey now, fuck off Pat!”) A “Disgusting” attack on Christianity. He also thinks: “There’s an anti-Christian bigotry that is just disgusting” (Nuttier than a Planters factory) Um no you old pile of moron. Tebow’s […]

Ding Dong, So Long Kim Jong

December 19th, 2011

Everyone’s favorite lil dictator is officially down for the count Dictators are going down faster than congress’s approval rating (“Ha, you so funny asswipe”) Poor little guy. He was 69 years old. He had a stroke in 08 And after that he was never the same evil asshole as before (“I so wronlrey”) We should’ve […]

I’m Pretty Sure…

December 16th, 2011

The inventor of the Rattle, hated his wife & naps (Missed that video game) Why would you ever give a baby something they could Shake forever, annoying everyone, until they fall sleep? (Swap out the rattle for this) Then again, parties, & loud music are the adult rattle Meh, payback’s a bitch kid. Better get […]

Over Due Process

December 15th, 2011

Obama’s totally driving this, and he’s dead wrong (I shut up now) He saying to take our American due process & ram It up our asses. Thanks buddy, you’re a big dickhole It’s called the National Defense Authorization Act (I’m upside down) And it allows for “indefinite detention” w/o due process We could be imprisoned […]

Donald Chump decided to fired himself as debate host “I have decided not to be the moderator…” he told FOX (Human sink hole) Because it’d be a conflict of interest if he…now get this Runs for president of the United State as an independent (Ohhhhhh yes!) Please you delicious pile of douche. Oh pretty pretty […]

Laying Some Pipe…

December 13th, 2011

Do you remember those payroll tax cut extensions? The one’s that help the middle class by $1,000 each (We could use the cut) Oh yeah, well Republicans attached one big caveat They’ll give the cut, only if Dems agree to build an oil (Seriously?) Pipeline between Canada & Texas. Oh, that sounds nice Obama said […]

Newt signed a conservative values pledge from (It’s Douche Gingrich) The Iowa-based group The Family Leader this week As a guy who committed adultry twice he’s ballsy (“Damn right you signed it”) It’d be like a twice convected bank robber Signing a “I’d never touch another vault” pledge (He’s good to go) And basically saying, […]

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