Archive for August, 2009

Fantasy Football…

August 31st, 2009

Is here so buckle up… We had our draft last night, and it got me thinking… (Our savior needs a top WR bad) What if the idea of people guessing/gambling on the measured output/efforts of professionals reaches new industries besides sports? Fantasy Cashier-Where speed, accuracy, and service with a smile earn you the most points […]

King Kennedy…

August 29th, 2009

If you’re like me, you simply can’t avoid the funeral coverage of Ted Kennedy… (Flag time) It’s incredibly upbeat, funny, sad, touching, and honest. Because face it, at Irish funerals, you’ll always have great stories, big laughs, and lots of booze… (“This chicks ass was like a shelf”) If you don’t know much about Ted, […]

The Old Man Cometh…

August 28th, 2009

McCain was at townhalls in Arizona this week… And got turned on being around so many people his age… (Shit, I could be golfing right now) But when people at his townhall start turning on him, and yelling, watch out… Like mother hamsters, they’re eating their own. It’s sick and sad… (Hi-larious!) It’s like Network, […]

Baysitting Tips…

August 27th, 2009

Bam! You’re a babysitter, it’s your first time out, and you need some help… (Drifters make solid sitters) Why not go to the website of a childless comedian for advice? (See #3) Here’s the top 5 things to stop unruly kids while babysitting: 1) Gags work-When kids won’t quiet down, tie em & gag em. […]

Scarlet red… (You’ve got a lil’ Beck in you) Be ready for questions at work from your nosy cubemate like, “Susan, what’s with all the post-its?”, or “Could you use headphone to keep your ABBA music down?”… It’s 70 degrees with an extra chance of being needlessly douchey. Like guys in elevators giving away the […]

Glenn Wreck…

August 25th, 2009

Lord fart hat has now lost 33 sponsors for calling President Obama “a racist”… (Crying, again?) Mayor of “Dipshit City”, isn’t long for this race. See, it’s called liable or slander… The Glenn Becks of this world are here to scare stupid people into thinking like them. You’re not stupid people. You’re well read, learned […]

Social Suck-curity…

August 24th, 2009

Millions of older people face shrinking Social Security checks next year, the first time in a generation that payments would not rise… (I knew this day would come. It’s alive!) In times like this, I like to turn to Grandpa Simpson for level headed thinking… Marge: “Grandpa, where’d you get all that money?” Grandpa: “Social […]


August 22nd, 2009

Is really just a reminder to your body you’d rather be sleeping… (Fail, or the truth?) Besides, now-a-days, each name for coffee sounds like a freaking Ben & Jerry’s ice cream title. You got everything from Espresso Cinnamon Dolce Latte, to Mint Chocolaty Chip Frappuccino, to Iced Berry Chai Infusion… (Clever bastard) I’ve seen less […]

Dude Runs Like A Lady…

August 21st, 2009

Aerosmith sang, “dude looks like a lady”, so why can’t a “lady run like a dude”? (Those are guys?) South Africa‘s new 800-meter world champion Caster Semenya was declared a “golden girl” by press, with the athlete’s family shrugging off questions about the runner’s gender. Shit sakes people, come on, what do you want? (I’ve […]

Quick question… When Tom Delay goes on Dancing With The Stars for occupation do they put “felon”? (“The sky rained $ so I took it”) Tommy Salami was playing hardballs with Chris “leg tingle” Matthews, when he deliciously decided to “out” himself as a “birther”. Check it out… (Hoping for a Heather Mills Part II?) […]

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