Archive for April, 2009

Primetime Prez…

April 30th, 2009

Obama addressed the country last evening. He said, “So I think we’re off to a good start, but it’s just a start. I’m proud of what we’ve achieved, but I’m not content. I’m pleased with our progress, but I’m not satisfied.” (Explains the burrito size he likes when high) He also said, “So we have […]

Jesus Set To Arm Wrestle…

April 29th, 2009

After rising from the dead on Easter, Jesus of Nazareth finally decided to bulk up, move to NYC and join the vaunted “Arm Wrestling for Charity” circuit… (You lift? Naw) He’s slated to go up against the entire cast of Over The Top… (You can do it Rocky…I mean whoever) He’s working out full time […]

Or not…we really can’t tell yet… Swine flu, swine flu, swine flu. If it comes from pork, Orthodox Jews can’t get it… (A cross between Asia & Michael Jackson) There are precautions you can take to avoid it. Luckily we have them right here… 1) Drink plenty of fluids 2) Don’t tongue kiss Mexican hookers […]

Swine Flu Gonna Get Cha!

April 27th, 2009

It’s like a “greatest hits” collection… First is was the Asian Bird Flu, then Mad Cow, now Swine Flu… (Bush & Rummy brace for the “gay” virus) This is where any characters Morgan Freeman’s played turns to you & says, “You have to admire its simplicity. It’s one billionth our size and it’s beating us”… […]


April 25th, 2009

Todays time travel takes us back to Garbage Pail Kids and Slip & Slide! (Why not Uppity Chuck?) I remember watching the clock at school strike 2:40pm in 7th grade, hoping Schaffer’s Drug Store had a full stock of them. It’s weird how you spent your money when you were younger. If you squirreled enough […]

The NBA’s Atlanta Hawks had a playoff game against the Miami Heat… While their mascot “Spirit” decided to find better seats delaying the game… (Nice seat!) Players watched as the bird was perched atop the scoreboard at tip-off, refusing to go to his handler. News flash, if you’ve been around pigeons, I wouldn’t look up… […]

Remember our Britain’s Got Talent(but not clean teeth) singing sensation Susan Boyle? Turns out someone did kiss her. Now the question is where… (You cheeky fibber) Ewwwwwwwwwww… She said, “It was meant as a joke…I’ve got a wicked sense of humor, you know!” Um, Susan… I don’t quite know how to break this too you, […]

It’d be kind of a dick move… (Did a drunk, blind kid make the logo?) Hurray, it’s Earth Day! Everyone’s happy, jumping around, and wondering, “What the hell do we do now?”. Hopefully what ever it is, it’s not this… (Smooth move farthat) Cause if you do, you get this… (It’s the Trail Of Teary […]

Look, we all make mistakes. But please stop asking attractive people to answer hard questions. That’s like being shocked Paris Hilton is dumber than a box of burnt hair… (Scales of justice “No gay marriage for you”) You’ve all either seen it, or heard of it by now. Miss California was asked, “Vermont recently became […]

The flavor of the month. He’s like opened film… Overexposed… (Classy with a capitol “K”) Shit, Zak’s so cool, he decided he didn’t even need the letter “c” in his name. Unlike that lazy-ass Zack Morris from Saved By The Bell who clearly used it as crutch… I’ve a finger full of “fuck you” for […]

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