Archive for January, 2012

They are holding the Republican primary today in Florida (Not the “Topless” state?) If you’re a registered Republican my first question is why? My second is how could you vote for any of those big turds? (“Oh I know, cause we suck”) It’d be like the 50th annual “Turd Off” at the Poo Jamboree Everyone […]

“Get Your Own Fu#king Ride”

January 30th, 2012

Politicians depend on the press that covers them for PR life (Suck it press) Well, that’s the “old socialist liberal elite media” model before Now Newt & Republican’s have one thing left to say to them “Get your own ride you freeloaders”. The implosion continues (Royal Crown “R.C” Hammond) The press had to pay $2,000 […]

Last night was the 759th Republican debate. Wait, no that’s wrong It was the 1,782nd debate. Shit, they’re just squeezing them in now (The Unelectable League) That photo above says it all: Santorum: “Wait, am I even still here?” Newt: “I hate everyone including me, but also like insulting others” (“Do you Purell?”) Mitt: “Holy […]

The King And Lie…

January 26th, 2012

Oh Newty Newty Newty. They are many names you could go by: (“Hey “hot tits”, I got a deal”) Dr. Blowhard, Mr. Potato Head Lying Machine, or Bag-Of-Dicks Remember when he blasted CNN’s King on the “open marriage” question? You know, the damningly true facts from his past? (Yummy) Welp, turns out ol’ Newt was […]

Obama gave his SOTU address last night to a “forced crowd” (When does Bon Jovi come on?) I mean, it’s not like they can blow it off. It’s their freaking job Let me give you the gist of his speech: “American’s are hurting, The middle class is dying, we’re getting outplayed across the (“Listen up […]

Poor Mitten’s $42 Million

January 24th, 2012

Ritt Mormoney only made $47 million over the last two years (Insert fake outrage here) Which in his circle of wealthy friends, makes him the “fat girl” He’s so like us, soooooo like us. He knows our financial pain *Disney Record Scratch* (No way!) He has to decide between five G-6’s, & a fleet of […]

State Of The Onion Tomorrow

January 23rd, 2012

You just have to peel it away layer by layer, & it makes you cry (Goody, it’s an Action Speech) Tomorrow Obama’ll sing Al Green “Let’s Stay Together” again Prompting Republicans to blurt, “Booo, you’re off Idol forever” (Let it out buddy) Honestly, Obama has his flaws. We all do, but the guy could Cure […]

“When Assholes Attack”

January 20th, 2012

At the CNN Republican debate last night, Newty threw a fit Nothing funnier than when a humongous dick gets offended (“Now I suck your soul”) It’s like when a serial killer gets upset being cut-off in traffic: “Come on! Where’s your compassion for your fellow driver?” He blew up at CNN’s John King for asking […]

And Down Goes “Homophobe”

January 19th, 2012

Steve Perry’s older creepier bigoted brother Rick dropped out (“I’ll show myself the door”) Daaaaaaaaamn, they’re all dropping faster than “r’s” in Boston Well just don’t let the door hit ya, where your racist lord split ya Sure we’ll miss “crazy tex”. But let’s all stroll down memory lane: (Indeed dumbass) -“Ooooops” -“I’m not ashamed […]

The Unloved Boat…

January 18th, 2012

Paging Captain Douchebag. Captain Douchebag please pick up We have all heard by now that Costa Concordia crashed badly (Whoopsie) Many were injured. The death toll is 11, with 22 still missing That’s very sad, and as we’re finding out could’ve been avoided (Nice bracelets) We have also heard it was the Captain’s fault, AND […]

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