Archive for December, 2008

Merry New Year!

December 31st, 2008

Billy Ray: [as “Nenge Mboko,” an exchange student from Cameroon] Merry New Year! Beeks: That’s “happy.” In this country we say “Happy New Year.” Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks! (Shit, Lionel Joseph is white!) “Please to help me with my rucksack?”. Sorry, I’m a sucker for movies […]

Have A Nice Tripp…

December 30th, 2008

See you next fall… On Saturday, Bristol Palin gave birth to a son. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston… (Levi’s in the deep end, & can’t swim) Really? Tripp…as in to fall accidentally… Why not Slip Everlast Dunkin’ Generic Name, or Stumble Wilson Krispy-Kreme Toilet-ston, or Media Covered Kid Who Hasn’t Done Anything Yet Accept Being Born? […]

Have You Read David Wong?

December 29th, 2008

It’s only the best misogynistic face slapping far east detective comic on the planet… (“I’ll paste you one good, see”) I’d read new issues but I’m always too busy slapping fine gals around to turn the page… If you like this fine selection you might also like: -Chet Barksdale Alcoholic Stock Broker -Rasin Legs Irrational […]

Dog Mauls Owner

December 27th, 2008

Shelly Lipton of Dixon, Illinois was mauled by her normally loving lab named Scooter… (This photo might have done it) Animal Control handler Steven Hildago said, “Sometimes owners dress their pets up in goofy as shit costumes one too many times, and the animals turn ultra violent on them”. Shelly suffered a broken collar bone, […]

All I Got For Christmas Was…

December 26th, 2008

The Package Shark Pro. It’s for opening those hard clear plastic packages. Only problem is… (Package Shark even sounds funny) I need a Package Shark, in order to open my freaking Package Shark… Dammit, foiled again! I Fibbed. I Also Got… The John Candyland board game… (Armpit Falls was not pretty) A Shia Pet… (It’s […]

Christmas Drunk Baby…

December 25th, 2008

Santa came, the tree is filled with presents, and your little brother is shit faced…again… (Lil’ Kevin Jenkins is on his 4th beer) It happens all too often. Baby drunks are the worst, especially around the holidays… Why Do We Do This? Some kids just don’t like Santa. He’s a fat guy in a suit […]

Santa Busted In Drug Sting…

December 24th, 2008

Mr. Santa M. Clause was arrested during a San Bernardino drug sting by detective Mitch Flagler for dealing Bolivian marching powder, 700 lbs of reefer, and designer ecstasy called “sleigh bells”… (Ho ho ho nooooooooo) He was being held on a 7 million dollar bond which his lawyer hopes to post tonight in order to […]

Eastcoast Old Lady…

December 23rd, 2008

Kicks winning field goal for Bears in over time… (Wins game 20-17 in OT) Elizabeth Rutkowsky was tired, needed sleep, and had enough of watching what she described as “a craptastic offensive performance” by the Bears. She went on to say, “Shit balls, if it wasn’t for me, we’d still be playing the god damn […]

On The Fifth…

December 22nd, 2008

Day of Christmas my true love gave to me… A horribly crappy STD… Nawwww, I kid. For five golden rings, I expected this… (Olympic style grill!) She miss-heard and thought it said “five folded things” and put laundry on my bed… Meh, still beats doing freaking laundry… Bears VS Packers MNF Tonights the night! With […]

Invisible Jet my Ass

December 20th, 2008

Wonder Woman’s “invisible jet” was hardly invisible… (Hand blown glass) It’s looked like a freaking glass bubble. One shot from an errant bb and it’s shattered… The cockpit wasn’t invisible either. A red velvet seat? Who’s her co-pilot, Liberace? (In-flight movie was The Hulk) Since she had bullet proof bracelets, why didn’t villains just shoot […]

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