Happy town is a wonderful place located in the heartland of the United States. With sunshine filled streams, freshly painted white picket fences, and closeted gays. Like most politically correct towns in America, every person has an opinion on everything in the news and thinks being so removed from the inner city riff-raff allows them the ability to know what’s best for everyone else.

Wither it’s debating politics, movies, sports, religion, or Old Emma Lou’s delicious peach cobbler, they can at least all agree on agree ONE thing, wearing little flag pins that say “I heart America” means you must love America more than anyone else. With many faces, and different voices, let’s meet some of our new friends of Happy Town who decided to write some opinion columns for us. Enjoy!

(Stevey Warton, 19 year-old Happy Town Market shelf stocker.)

Old people suck! This one old bat asked me to stack her stuff “tall & flat”. What the hell does that even mean? What a real bitch ass face. She wants “tall & flat”? Well I got her tall and flat right here…

**Grabs crotch. Notices his boss Mr. Jenkins walking toward him, and quickly acts like he’s working. When boss passes he grabs crotch pointing it toward Mr. Jenkins sticking out his tongue**

Man, people buy weird stuff. This one lady bought these things you stick in your vagina called OB Heavy Days. Guess you can also use them as paper towels because they have “ultra absorbency”. If you ask me, any girl who bleeds out of her crotch must be stupid and creepy. This other guy got something called Dulcolax Suppository 16ct. It didn’t look like jewelry. He said it was to help unload unwanted shit. If you ask me, he’s getting jiped; why not just go to a pawn shop. People are so damn stupid.

Me and my friends are really into Ghost Recon on the PS2. My commando name is B-Hotch 7, and I love blowing shit up and killing people. My mom says stupid stuff like, “that stuff will desensitize you against violence” but she’s wrong. It just makes me want to shoot her in the face.

Intercom: “Stevey, please report to produce, Stevey please report to produce”

Sweet, now I get to squeeze the melons! See you lamo’s fart hammocks later!

(Susan Whitebread, age unknown. Happy Towns channel 9 Action New Team desk anchor.)

Our top story tonight is, me. I’m fabulous! In a totally unrelated story, weatherman Tom Skillet is an asshole. Earlier reports of him dumping me for his ex-girlfriend Sarah were unfounded. In fact, we here at action news 9 were able to learn that I actually gave HIM his walking papers because he cheated on me with two, yes TWO of my EX-best friends. You would think this amazing story would end right there, but it doesn’t. We also discovered Tom is bald, fat, sexually impotent, and farts loudly in bed staining my wonderful duvet with brown marks. What a sad, petty man, with incredibly small genitals. In other news, I’m having sex with his best friend Tony all the time in public places, which includes the Arby’s parking lot on Thursday nights.

In other news, being the top female anchor here in happy town is great. I always take my job very seriously. For example when I don’t have facts or statistics to back up a certain story I cover, I just sort of make them up. It’s called improv-a-zation. I like it here, we don’t have a lot of black peo…

**Leaning forward whispering. Susan looks around cautiously**

…black people and that’s a good thing. They steal, rape, look at me funny, smell different, wear gold chains, yell about everything, eat while they talk, laugh too loudly, and wear silly clothes. But you know me, I’m not racist or anything. I even have a black friend. She cuts my hair.

**Straightens back up adjusting papers while clearing her throat**

Finally in our “People Around Town” segment we’re lucky enough to have a nifty photo to show you. It’s of local weatherman Tom Skillet stepping in his own dogs sh*t. Who’s walking who now Tom, who’s walking who? Well, that’ll about do from everyone here at channel 9’s Action New Team, I’m Susan Whitebread, have a wonderfully happy night…by the way Tom I was the one who keyed “dickface” on your Saturn Ion…

(Dugan Cole, age 17. High school junior standout linebacker for the Happy Town HardHats.)

Crystal called me a dick last night! Stuff about me not listening to her or something like that. I really don’t remember cause I wasn’t paying attention. She is my girlfriend and we’ve been dating ever since Steve Henricks kegger where I went up her shirt and stuff. She’s cool I guess. We go to the movies, the mall, and she watches me and the rest of team whip donut holes at cars. That, and she’s got these monster yum yum’s.

I think my History teacher Mr. Pettiebone is a rump pirate. He’s always like(in macho lispy voice) “Let the voice from the past speak to you and make sure to listen so you don’t repeat the same mistakes” or some stupid shit like that. When am I ever going to fight the Turks? I just want to pound his faggoty ass into the ground, or go get a triple stack from Wendy’s. Stupid jerk gave me a D-. My dad says it’s because he wants to screw my ass or something, but I think it’s because he’s afraid of how good I tackle, and how fabulous I look doing it. Who cares, you don’t need no good grades to get into college, just a nose for the football, killer instinct, and a blazing 4.5 second 40 time. I got it all made.

My dad played and was all conference three years. He was going to go pro, but he got this great offer to be a UPS truck driver so he took it. Every Sunday when we watch football he tells me about the time he threw for 4,327 yards against our rival the Ridgeport Raiders and they won in closing seconds when he threw the game winning touchdown. Weird, my mom says he was just the kicker, but what would she know about football, she’s got a vagina. My dad’s is so cool.

My moms all like “make sure you study hard, because if you get injured you’ll need your studies to fall back on”. She’s so dumb. Only thing I’m falling on is pussy running backs, and a pile of money when I turn pro bitches! Got to bolt, my GNC weight gain shake is done blending, so it’s time to chug-a-lug. Catch you later…NOT!

(Mr. McAllister, age 79. Outspoken senior citizen at the Happy Town Retirement Center.)

I hate everything! From the smug look the checkout girl at the Piggly Wiggly gives me when I hand her my coupons, to the clouds in the sky that always take the shape of something stupid like a unicorn or a urinary tract infection. Kids are loud, smelly, foul-mouthed little things that’ll ruin anything good if you let them. Let me tell you why. I had this place I would go to in Happy Town Park to feed these dumb old pigeons, which are really just rats with wings. The other day, a bunch of these little fuckers were in my spot wearing baggy pants, riding some new fangled kind of piece of wood with wheels on the bottom jumping off stuff, and yelling things like “Toby Hawk” this, and “I’m a spot stealing jerk” that. I was a ways off, but I shook my fist pretty hard at them and mumbled stuff under my breath. Then I went back to the Retirement Center to watch out my window at the cars that don’t see the stop sign on our corner, then write down the plate number of each car and call the cops.

All cabbies are terrorists. It’s true, even the white ones. They’re either wearing this special make-up, or some mask that makes them white. Jews steal things from me everyday and when I say something about it to people, they look at me like I’M the bad guy. Ehhhhhhhmaaaa…

**Moves hand in a swatting motion while turning head in disgust**

Oh yeah, I almost forgot, women are stupid and Readers Digest sucks…large print my ass. Go on, you stayed your thirty seconds, now get, before I poke you with some cane I’ll have to buy.

(Earl Corvette, age 34. Minor league baseball player for the Happy Town Reds)

Gays being gay is wrong! That’s right, you heard me, they’re wrong, a mistake, some cruel mishap. Two men can’t produce a baby; two women can’t produce a baby. I will say that two women can make an excellent adult film, which is NOT gay cause they’re acting. Being gay is not how it’s supposed to be, there’s no connection there. It’s totally wrong. I don’t care what anybody says. The plumbing just doesn’t match. The asshole was made for two only things: pooping, and hiding expensive drugs. Other than that, it’s exit only!

Us straight people really need to watch out. Sometime when you take public transportation you can accidentally get “the gay” on you, with a gay person touching you, breathing near you, or even thinking about you. Here’s some advice to avoid gays. 1) Buy a car, 2) wear some kind of protective suit, or 3) use Degree Deodorant.

We all know that gays can’t adopt kids either cause then the kids will be gay for sure. Last time I checked, if a kid has gay parents they will automatically put another mans penis in their mouth just for FUN. That’s how it works. It’s not like you were just born that way, are genetically prone to it, or that’s just who they are. They do it cause it’s fun, can dress better, understand artistic movies, age well, and still play with toys well into their 50’s.

It’s like some disease, like the flu, or dysentery. When you get it, all of the sudden you start having ass sex. My friend Kevin who I grew up with got “the gay” from his bicycle seat. Now he sucks men’s penises. It’s sickening.

Keep your eyes open people, stay vigilant, and always be aware of your surroundings. We’ll see you at the next game, which happens to be ladies night, with 2 for 1 Sea Breezes. Make sure to tell ‘em E Dog sent ya!

(Jessica Hudnut, age 4. She’s the daughter of Happy Town Mayor William Hudnut)

Dick Cheney is awesome! That’s what my daddy says. My dad is a republikin and runs our whole town. They call him the Mayord. One day, these men in black suits wearing sunglasses visited me at school and told me if daddy ever bad-mouthed our president or any other republicken, I could always tell them exactly what he said for $100 reward or something.

I really do need the My Little Pony Pretty Pasture for Butterfly and Flippity Flop to roam free so I’ll call tomorrow. That’s why I love this country, Fox News, and Sean Hannity (his posters are all over my bedroom wall).

This boy Kyle Freil is always pulling my hair and calling me “Jessica Schmessica wears an ugly dressica”. It’s really starting to make me mad. Daddy drinks this light brown sauce in a small glass at night called Skotch or something. He calls it “Democrat medicine”. I always hear him on the phone saying, “when people fuck with you; find their weakness, exploit it, and ruin them forever.” Maybe I will try that with Kyle. He really loves this rare baseball card collection of his. I’ll break into his locker; steal them, and burry em somewhere he’ll never find them. Then I’ll give him the location of his precious collection ONLY if he agrees to stop bothering me. Of course I’ll have to lie about the location and keep slowly extorting money from him till he begs for mercy. My daddy is so smart.

I have a puppy named Sprinkles. He’s black, just like the color of our servants who walk him and feed him. My mommy is very pretty. She loves daddy. She also loves our big garden out back. In fact, she’s always talking to the gardener Manual all afternoon with her bedroom door shut while music is playing. Sometimes mommy screams at him to “plow it baby” or something. That garden must need a lot of work cause he comes here five days a week; only thing is I never see him actually work, and the flowers are all wilted. Here’s a list of words I shouldn’t say:

Tolerance
Constitution
Civil-Rights
Homeless
Gays
Tax
Poopy-Face
Taint
Fuck-stick

I know what you’re thinking; but I just typed them, I didn’t say them so it’s OK. Well, I have to go now because it’s time for gymnastics class, which is fun cause everyone looks just like me. I’ll write back soon!

(Lawler Tuffington, sophomore at HappyTown University, 23 years old. His parents own the steel mill in Happy Town.)

Hi Lawler Tuffington here, WHAMMO! Sorry it’s huge inside joke I have with all my great friends at the country club. See, whenever one of us walks into the room while the others are deep in conversation, the person who walked in yells WHAMMO! Damn, it’s still funny just typing it.

Any who, just wanted to drop you all a line to talk about wonderful mystery known as March Madness. Not just because it’s been a huge part of my life growing up with all my brothers watching those close games on TV, but also because my parole officer for the DUI case said I had too cause it constitutes community service.

I know history, & March Madness has nothing to do with college basketball. For true. It actually dates way back to 1847 and has something to do with a man named Ulysses S. Madness. See, he would drink for 17 days straight starting on March 1st cause that was the anniversary of when he accidentally shot his wife seven times, in the face. After she passed away, he decided to celebrate that day and the following 16 by getting so liquored up, his distilled urine could be bottled and sold as moonshine several weeks later. Even the town folk knew what was in store once March rolled around. He’d masturbate in the bay window of the saloon, violate cattle, defecate in the church collection baskets, and read in the dark. His drunken actions made him insane, or as some would come to say, mad. Townsfolk would often speak of it as March Madness. They would say, “Oh no, it’s time for March Madness, take in your mailboxes, under shirts off the clothesline, and pies cooling on the windowsill or he’ll shit in them”.

Today all we hear about is that exciting last second shot someone made in double overtime, or that new Lexus SUV that was returned to a booster before the NCAA could find out about it. I say, let’s all raise a glass to Ulysses and do what he’d do…minus the masturbating, bestiality, and crapping in random containers. Just watch the games, yeah, that’s right, it’s only about the games. Well, got to go, my friends and us are going to this “Celebrities Who’ve Been Molested” party. I’m going as McCauley Caulkin…WHAMMO!