Cheney In A Wheelchair
Sounds like a new Blink 182 song…
Now the big question: Separated at birth?
(Captain happy)
Cheney at Obama’s inauguration…
(Black and White version)
He left early, but it didn’t come as a shock to anyone. After all, his name is Dick…
The Oscars Had…
More singing and dancing than a gay pirate ship…
On the gay sea…sailing toward the Cape of Gay Hope…
(She looks better in a dress than Nixon)
Fun? Yeah. Hard working? No doubt. Funny? Not so much…
Where were the jokes? I guess when the economy stinks, we no get-a the jokes…
Don’t the Tony Awards have singing and dancing? When did they merge the two?
Highlights:
-Stiller as Joaquin
-Seth Rogan & James DeFranco on the couch with the MILK reference…
(He’s Stiller got it)
One film sounded like a disease…
All night I found myself saying, “I got a curious case of the Benjamin Buttons“…
Shame Wow
“If you call in the next 20 minutes, cause we can’t do this all day, I’ll pay $1,000 for sex, have the hooker bite my tongue, then beat the living fu%k out of her!â€
(Paper towels are no good for blood!)
Guess he gave her the ol’ Chop Slap to the face…
I’ve Got A Boyle On My Ass
And it fucking sings Christmas songs…
(Uhhhhhh!)
Whoa, I’ve seen cuter hairless dogs. She’s got a face made for radio…
Remember her saying she’s never been kissed and lives alone with her cat, Pebbles?
It was all a stunt to get more attention. She’s Balloon Boy’s dad with better pipes…
Manny’s Nutz…
You’ve all heard about Manny Ramirez being banned by MLB for 50 days by now…
But have you heard why?
(A budding “bromanceâ€)
Manny’s nuts are like unemployed alcoholics…they don’t work…
Bernie Made-Off With Our $…
Here’s hoping Bernie “prison bitch†Madoff gets to spend the last 25 years of his life getting passed around like a one-hitter at a Dave Matthews concert…
(Say bitch!)
And it couldn’t happen to a bigger assface…
He got 150 years, then had the balls to ask the judge for “leniencyâ€â€¦
(Captain dick hole)
I’m surprised he didn’t get the gavel shoved directly up his ass by the judge…
Barry’s Beergate
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
(Smooth buddy)
There they all were, Gates, Crowley, Biden, Biden’s rice noddle hair, Obama, and some cheap ass plastic Target lawn furniture…
Meh, $’s tight, times are tough…
(White, blackish, white, blackish. Nice!)
But why the chairs gotta be white?
Dude Runs Like A Lady
Aerosmith sang, “dude looks like a ladyâ€, so why can’t a “lady run like a dudeâ€?
(Those are guys?)
South Africa’s new 800-meter world champion Caster Semenya was declared a “golden girlâ€, but the athlete’s family shrugged off questions about “her” gender
(Nice mustache sir)
You best not be a “Crying Game tucker 
(Nice penis)
Peckers are a hard thing to hide. Zing!
Douchebag Heckler
Remember when Joe “The Heckler†Wilson decided to shout “You lie†when Obama said illegal immigrants will not be covered under the new healthcare plan?
(You can see the hate)
Nice work creepy asshole racist guy…
(Pelosi likes the “shockerâ€)
Wilson is a Republican from South Carolina, home of the morons…
Stay classy S.C! In new TV show news, Joe Wilson & Mark Sanford are staring in a sitcom on ABC this fall called “Tiger Woods & The Hecklerâ€
(Don’t lie for me Argentina)
Let’s go heckle Joe Wilson with me during his job today. Cause I heard he’s so stupid he thinks Taco Bell is a phone company…zing!
The Hoax’s On You…
“Balloon Boy’s†dad, Captain Farthole, did the entire thing as a stunt…
(Wait, lying about a kid is wrong?)
To promote his new Reality TV show called “Felony Dadâ€â€¦
Other working titles were “Bullshit Storiesâ€, “Pants On Fire, and “Prison Bitchâ€
Q: What the difference between Richard Heene and Glenn Beck?
A: At least Heene can spell…
“Balloon Boy†Falcon is set to release a new inspirational book called “All The Places You Will Never Go” where the balloon is popped on page one…
Tigers Wood…
He and his wife Elin have a new line of SUV’s that come standard with both rear windows shattered called “A Hole In Oneâ€. Classier than a diamond tuning fork…
(Oh, I get the joke now)
What do Tiger Woods, David Letterman, and Hugh Grant all have in common?
None of them are really black…
Super Prize Me!
Is it pronounced Oslo or Ozlo in Norway?
Either way Obama’ll be there receiving an Oscar, or VMA, or something…
(â€This Teen Choice Award means a lot!â€)
Along with a huge plate of pickled herring served by two beach volleyball players…
(Hazzah for swim suits!)
Who also like to “almost kiss†often during games…
(Just…a little…closer…)
Norway gave the world playwright Henrik Ibsen…
Who in turn gave us his famous “nuts in squirrels mouth†beard…
(A Doll’s Hairdo)
Nobel Schmobel, just fix our economy, two wars, and my ripped underwear…
When you’re done with that I’ll need my back shaved…
Have a year tonight!
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