Well, Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a member of his household staff

(Holy fuck balls!)

And it happened a decade ago

(Irony)

So “I’ll be back” is now “I’ll be paying for that”…

*John talks behind the back of his hand*

Guess we all know why Shriver took off now

He said, “While I deserve your attention and criticism, my family does not”

(“My sperm has awesome superpowers”)

Then continued with, “I was sent here from the future…

To impregnate her. Only her unborn son can save the world from evil rogue robots”

Have a day!