So that happened…

August 13th, 2008

The actor Shelley Malil from the 40 Year-old Virgin stabbed someone…

“Who is that?” you ask…

Well he’s this guy…

(His freaking coat costs more than my entire waredrobe!)

So this guy, who played the manager of the SmartTech electronics store…stabbed his ex-girlfriend 20+ times. You heard me right, 20+ times! “Why?”, you ask. Whelp, the Sheriffâ€™s Department of San Diego stated the stabbing occurred sometime before 9 p.m. in San Marcos, CA. Shelley came to the ex-girlfriendâ€™s house and found her in her backyard with another man. Malil grabbed a knife and stabbed his ex-girlfriend repeatedly and then chased her in her home. The male there with the ex-girlfriend was also stabbed in the hand as he tried to stop the attack. Her two kids were there during the attack…

They weren’t even dating, and her kids were home. There should be “stabbing rules” about this kind of shit. They also didn’t pronounce her dead. She’s in critical condition, but expected to survive. What if they reconcile and she forgives him? Worse yet, what if they actually get back together? That’ll make for awkward social functions when she’s wearing a sun dress exposing all the nasty scars people will gasp in horror and ask, “Oh my gosh, what happened?”. Shelly will sheepishly cut in and say, “My little love kabob was taking another guys meat whistle in her tawdry tuna tunnel when I accidentally walked in on them.”. People will then ask, “So you did this to her?”. He’ll say, “I didn’t. A kitchen knife did. It stabbed that bitch as many as 20 times. Some people say I may have over reacted. Mainly my therapist, parole officer, the corrections system of San Diego, family, friends, the judge, normal people, the jury, her, the dude fucking her, and anyone with a functioning frontal lobe, but what do they know. Hey, I’m a passionate guy.” People will look shocked, so he’ll quickly add, “I know it was wrong, so I got rid of all the knifes in her house…now I only keep a secret stash of poisons, scalding acids, and automatic weapons…”

Here’s the deal with me. If you cheat on me, I won’t stab you, because I could go to jail. I’ll film it, blackmail you, then give the money to a homeless man with the instructions, “follow her around everyday until you die scratching your balls constantly asking if she’d like “a tiny whiff”…

If you haven’t seen the 40-Year-old Virgin yet, see it. There’s a funny speed dating scene that has my friend Gillian Vigman in it. She’s the one who asks, “Are you fucking retarded?!”. Just fast forward during Shelly’s part, or pause it to add this oddly sad stabbing trivia. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle, GI Joeeeeeeeeeee…

Filed under: News, Comedy, Satire Comments (51)

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So that happened…

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