In a bold move, president Obama decided we should all be focusing on ways to save $ while at the same time making it. He came up with a new innovative plan…

It’s called the SYSTEM. It stands for Sell Your Small Toddlers Ensuring Money

(I support SYSTEM!)

On E-bay the small white one’s are big sellers now, but who knows what’s next…

It could be your Mexican child, or black child. All big $…

(I can’t any $ for Bill)

Come on America, let’s do it together. Sell your fucking kids already!

Hip New Alt Rock Band Becomes “Meh” Backyard BBQ Band

New alt rock band Bushtits was a the buzz of Michael Jenson’s back yard “Get Ready For Summer” BBQ on Thursday night, but blame a “late start” on the problems…

(Pick out the Blockbuster manager)

The buzz was strong at first, after a cover of Night Rangers “Sister Christian”, but then faded at the night went on. They played for about another 50 minutes…

Then people had to “bolt” to “get up for work tomorrow”…

By the time they played their original song “Thunder Pussy”, it was poorly received…

Only 5 people remained, and one was a guy leaning on the keg who puked.

They all looked at each other, then stopped playing. Meh…

Have a day!

Beck banked his entire show on disgraced Democratic congressmen Eric Massa

(Thud!)

It flopped like an old ladies underarms in the wind…

Massa hired a surprisingly large percentage of young gay men, and paid them so little that staffers were forced to live in the house with him. Goody, let’s party fellas

He also had “tickle fights” with staffers…

I love me a good “tickle fight” as much as “chalk talk” with Glenny…

(Massa Culpa)

Beck’s so wise, so kind, so smart, so “real America”…

He’s just so unlike all those “fake America” “liberal elite jerk holes” who “shoot puppies in the face” and “steal the souls of small helpless children”…

Great, now Beck is even targeting…me!

Les Grossman’s Corner

Les would like to give you some advice for today:

(Sucker punch!)

“Family is important assclowns! Because you can write them off for taxes, & use em as an alibi when stabbing a hooker or murdering some stupid shithole director…

But the moment any of em get in the way of your job…

You take em out like gray hair on you balls”

Have a day!

Get’s to sue the E-trade Baby commercials for using the name Lindsay…

(”Milk-a-wha?”)

We get to sue her for totally sucking at her job…

Deal? No? No deal? Then close your silver brief case, and sit the fuck down…

That was a little angry, but after being only 1 of 17 people who saw “I Know Who Killed Me” in the theaters,  then asking for my $ back not getting it…I got gripes…

(Yeah, this movie to your career)

She suing for the “milkaholic Lindsay” line, claiming they referred to her…

There claim. Lindsay has as much recognition as Madonna and Cher...

(Set your heels to “whore”)

Oh, OK, so every time some one says “I have to use the John”, I sue…

And welcome to total irrelevance you clueless little fart hammock…

RIP Lucas

Corey Haim is dead at 38. He had a great run. Wait, no he didn’t. He was a great 80’s actor kid who was meet with mild success and fame. Good for him…

(You accidentally caught me reading)

He has a history of drug abuse, but they don’t know yet…

(”Is that a stake in your pocket?”)

He had a few good movies, but The Two Corey’s made America projectile vomit…

Gods speed lil buddy…

Have a day!

Make you puke…

(Oh no, here we goooooo)

Remember, not everyone who travels is “sexy”, or “hot, or “cleanly back shaven”

I don’t care, but stupid photo’s do…

(Thanks Jude Buffum)

For every Megan Fox, you get a Jenny McFatterson from Crown Point Wisconsin…

Not that it’s an issue, but just make sure we, even us fat people, can’t see that shit…

(Does this gun make me look fat?)

Nothing’ll make you go on a crash diet faster than seeing the top part of you penis being covered by your gut. Or, just keep on going for the gut gold & eat more…

It’s a very special “x-ray style wake-up call”

Palin Had Canadian Healthcare…

When she was six…

(I know what hypocrisy is, why?)

“We used to hustle over the border for health care we received in Canada,” Palin said in her 1st Canadian appearance since quitting. “And I think now, isn’t that ironic?”

Um, no. Ironic is where you hate guns, but one day a gun saves your life, so now you like guns. The word you’re looking for is “hypocrite”, you useless fart-helmet

(You betcha!)

The only explanation for her folks doing this…

Her parents musta been Socialist Nazi Werewolf Jazz Dancers…only explanation…

Have a day!

Unemployed people collecting benefits are stupid lazy people…

(Dig my groove “lazy people”)

Tom Delay: “You know, there’s an argument to be made that these extensions, the unemployment benefits keeps people from going and finding jobs. In fact there are some studies that have been done that show people stay on unemployment compensation and they don’t look for a job until two or three weeks before they know the benefits are going to run out.

Host Candy Crowley: Congressman, that’s a hard sell, isn’t it?

Delay: It’s the truth.

Crowley: People are unemployed because they want to be?

Delay: well, it is the truth. and people in the real world know it. And they have friends and they know it. Sure, we ought to be helping people that are unemployed find a job, but we also have budget considerations that are incredibly important, especially now that Obama is spending monies that we don’t have.

(I said “Suck it” poor people)

Funny I read a totally different version. It went something like this…

Delay: No one who was working hard before this depression/recession who lost their job ever wants to go back to work. Never. Mostly because they’re all lazy leeching welfare cases who should be shot in the face. Poor struggling hard working people are stupid, & annoy me

Host Candy Crowley: Congressman, are you fucking kidding me?

Delay: I’m not bitch tits! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to up my asshole ante

Crowley: Please go on. Are you saying all unemployed people want to be that way?

Delay: Yep, all their friends want in on the action too. I guess what I’m really saying is that anyone collecting unemployment is a welfare whore who should stop. I don’t give a shit if you need $, or if any unemployed people find a job, they shouldn’t be getting benefits they earned from working. That’s stupid. I say screw em, especially now that Obama’s black. He should have done what I did and make a job out of thin air by laundering money. Then getting caught doing it… twice

(”I feel, good…about being bad”)

It’s like Mel Brooks History Of The World, “Fuck the poor”. Stay classy Tom…

Have a day!

names themselves “The Situation”?

(He’s “greater than” signs!)

Were “Creepy Italian American Stereotype” & “Captain Taint Face” already taken?

Jersey Shore, more like Jerky Bores?

(Wee, the talentless whore parade!)

No? Nothing?

Then you wouldn’t have liked Jerky Snore, or Jerky Whores either…

We all wait with baited breath for his DUI/Sex Tape/illigetimate kid event

Have a day!

Ruh rho Raggy! A leaked RNC document mocks it’s donors then shows a detailed plan to regain power by using scare tactics and fear against Obama. It asks “What can you sell when you do not have the White House, the House, or the Senate…?”

(Nifty!)

The answer: “Save the country from trending toward Socialism!”

Turns out the GOP are using the exact same tactics as…the Tea Baggers!

(Riiiiiiiiiigggght)

My my, we’ve come full circle now. It’s sort of shocking, right? I know, that’s like being super surprised that fire is hot, or that dogs lick their balls…

They’ve been doing this shit for over 30 years. It’s all over but the crying…

(Sad)

Welp, they just lost the mid-term elections with this lil’ gem…

Stay classy you habitual lying fear mongering soulless corporate assholes…

Instant karma just knocked you the fuck out. Start the 10 count. 1…2…

Have a day!

Palin stated with conviction, “I think the mainstream media is quite broken, and I think there needs to be the fairness, the balance in there, that’s why I joined FOX”

(What that a joke?)

Oh, you mean when basic facts & reality don’t meet your insanely wrapped incorrect ignorant world view about “real Americans”, they should change those basic facts & reality to suit your views helping your narrative? Sorta like FOX does. Check…

So she went on to “try” stand-up…

(Leno’s watching his career toilet)

“Trying” what I and other amazing people do for living, on the coveted holy grail for working comics the Tonight Show…makes me want to cunt punch her.

How about you try your luck at a real club like Gothams, or Zanies?

With no writer, or a lovable TV audience ready to laugh at anything?

You’d be eaten alive tundra trash…

(You just won’t go away, will ya?)

Sarah, I found this for you *reaches into pocket & pulls out middle finger*. Oh, wait, found one more *Goes behind her ear & pulls another middle finger out*. Twins!

Ahhhhhh Sarah Palin…

Constantly pushing herself to new amazing heights of ignorant irrelevance. Can we swap her out for the poor luge guy who died? Feel like he’d use his life better…

Have a day!

They’re way faster, furry, make loud growling noises, pounce on shit, look super cool running in slow motion, bad ass paws, and tackle other animals with their mouth…

(Lunch!)

Whales spend like 80% of the time under water, which makes em super douchey…

How are we supposed to like them, if we can’t even fucking see them?

(Underwater jerk)

I think a cheetah could totally take a whale if it learned how to swim and was like about 40 times bigger. Wish there was a “giganto ray gun” somewhere to do that

(Wrong kind)

Now if we’re talking which would I rather see eat an old man, a whale for sure…

It’s faster, one big gulp. Cheetahs would take to long…

Have a day!

The GOP paid big $ for hip-hop auto-tune Sarah Palin talking points…

(Hip hoppityriffic!)

Check this out…

Wow, that’s whiter than liquid paper…

It’s nice to see Kevin Federline finally got a job…after eating a family of 5…

(Zing!)

Look GOP, come on over here. Let’s chat…

*Hunches over taking index finger motioning to “come here” close*

If you guys just keep re-branding the exact same dog food, people know it’s your brand still and it sucks. You guys need real leaders, to address our very real problems that your views created over 8 years, not gimmicks.

(Lookin’ in your direction!)

“Gimmicks” get you the political desert. Welcome!

Meh, they’re nice during the cold winters, but it’s a drrrrrrry heat…

Good luck with that…

Have a day!