Or as most Republican’s call it, “Leap Year”. Hissssssssssssssssssss

(The lonely honkey)

Republican’s are going down faster than than a fat girl on ice skates

And it’s all self inflicted crap. Like Mitt’s really wealthy & out of touch

(Rupal is the “sane” one?)

Newt is just a big bigoted bag of dicks. Frothy’s a gay basher asshole

And at least Ron Paul has stood consistent with his all his principals

(Ah yes)

But a lot are fucked up & wacky one’s like ending the CIA, IRS, etc.

If this is the best your party has to offer, don’t expect many RSVP’s

Super Bowl XXXXXXLLVLC!

Wait, that’s wrong. Meh, no matter. Halftime is sponsored by Milk

(Super Bowl Nip Tip)

Giants against the Patriots. Who will win? I want the G-men FTW

Any NFL jersey you wear must be nacho cheese proof on this day

(Oh, Indy it is)

Hint: Jersey Shore isn’t. It’s cheesier than a Kraft Velveeta factory

The reason people watch it: ads, & maybe Madonna will shark us

Have a weekend!

Which unfortunately means three more months of the GOP primaries

(“Don’t drive angry”)

But fortunately for comedians, it’s three more months of easy jokes

Mitten’s McRichypants could have it all locked up by this April 24th

(Really? No, really?)

Unless Mr. Potato Head pulls some serious fucked up shit like saying:

“Mitt gangbanged a bunch of babies in their cribs” complete w/photos

(Seriously, I mean it)

Or that Mitt thinks sporting magic underwear makes him a better person

(The last one is actually true, it’s what Moron’s believe about their faith)

(I knew it!)

Frothy will finish 3rd, and sadly their best choice Ron Paul will be last

But every comic only wants one thing. Trump to run as an independent

I had a dream last night where he was walking up to the podium being

(I mean fugettaboutit)

Heckled by Gary “I Got 300 Teeth” Busey, and it was ever so delightful

But that went away when Trumpy endorsed Mitten’s in Las Vegas today

RIP Don Cornelius

Soul Train host Don Cornelius sadly died with a self inflicted gun shot

(Tickets bitches!)

I will say this, as a pimple faced teen in the burbs, it was perfect stuff

To spank it too on TV for a horny kid. Hot ladies of all kinds, such tight

Clothes, & a dance line where they could strut their stuff. It was the shit

(Microphone Fro)

He must of had some big troubles to put a gun to himself. That is so sad

But I’ll remember his contribution to the sound track of life. Oh, & this:

“We wish you love, peace, and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooouuul”

Have a Ground Hog Day!

Tom “Literary Test” Tancredo just endorsed “Frothy” today

(Ah yes, a boycott)

Tom is every Tea Turds darling. Bigoted, loud, & very stupid

What the F happened here? People you’d not even eat food with

(Bigot says what?)

Now are endorsing others. And then it is gladly accepted by em

Most people would say, “Um, no thanks. I’m a dick, but not that

(Tom’s racist employee)

Big of one”. Romney won FLA big as expected. He’ll keep winning

And Mr. Potato Head will stick around for hilarious comic relief

Democrat Win’s Wu Seat In Oregon

But in other news Wu won another under aged girls seat. Zingo

Democrat Suzanne Bonamici, a former state senator won the seat

(She wins)

Someone should of asked her if she plans on having sex with any

Under-aged boys of close friends who are donors. Maybe she’d say:

“Don’t know. But if the mood’s right, I will totally think about it…

(It’s grrrrrrrrreat)

But there’s no fucking way that I’m wearing that tiger costume”

Have a day!

They are holding the Republican primary today in Florida

(Not the “Topless” state?)

If you’re a registered Republican my first question is why?

My second is how could you vote for any of those big turds?

(“Oh I know, cause we suck”)

It’d be like the 50th annual “Turd Off” at the Poo Jamboree

Everyone knows the song & dance. Romney wins it big time

(Voting base)

Then the press showers him with love and coverage after he

Wins big again in Nevada. But the first moment Newt wins

(You’re on your way kid)

They’ll all have shocking titles like “Not So Fast Mitty”, or

Dumber stuff. It’s a 2 turd race, but in the end it’s still shit

Why It Sucks To Be A Vampire

(1, 2, 3…scratch off tickets!)

-The no sunlight thing means no tan ever pasty white creep
-Your teeth make it hard to eat sugary cereal w/o getting cavities
-Who wants to sleep in a tiny box aside from New Yorkers?
-They love you as a forever teen, but if you can’t sing you’re nothing
-Try talking about WWI with anyone, they won’t know a thing
-You always confuse meat steak with wooden stake
-You get lazy & start drinking your brothers & sisters blood *cue banjos
-Staying up all night, but then going to school. You’ll be tired as hell
-Since you don’t age, eventually you’ll be in every high school yearbook
-All you can do is “sing count” a lot of numbers with only 8 fingers

Hey, it’s just not easy sucking blood for a living. Try sucking cock

That ain’t much easier. Ask any full time hooker, they’ll show you

Have a day!

Politicians depend on the press that covers them for PR life

(Suck it press)

Well, that’s the “old socialist liberal elite media” model before

Now Newt & Republican’s have one thing left to say to them

“Get your own ride you freeloaders”. The implosion continues

(Royal Crown “R.C” Hammond)

The press had to pay $2,000 each flying to cover Man-Whore

They all talked about it, & couldn’t afford it. They figured this:

If they rent a $55 car, they can make it the event next morning

(Hum, saving $)

That pissed off Newts campaign, so they said no reporters can

Travel with him/fly on Monday. Nor to the next stop of Nevada

When pressed about it campaign PR guy R.C Hammond said:

“I don’t have to give you a reason”. Then cocked punched them

(Bam!)

Here’s how the current GOP either candidates or those left in

Their shrinking party react if any facts are presented to them:

-Liar! It’s the liberal media who made that fact up, you suck!
-Well clearly whoever found this out is an “Obama Commie”
-So what fuck off, what are you gonna do about it? Let’s fight!
-How dare you ask me this fact, it’s politically damning!

They never address facts or reality, because as you’re seeing it

(All Archie Bunkers)

Play out, they don’t have them. They only appease the top 3%

While all the low information voters have to support insane lies

They pretend that their “reality” is good for the entire country

(But needed)

No, it’s not. And everyone with a working brain can see it clearly

They dug this hole, & gotta sit in it as it fills with their own urine

Even God Has A Super PAC?

Yep, you can book it like male hooker for blowing a cabbie

Newt & Calista attended the Idlewild Baptist Church in FLA

(Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz)

It’s a mega church flashing their faces on two big jumbotrons

The sermon’s moral was “Let he without sin cast the 1st wife”

Heard they legally changed their names to Mr. & Mrs. Swingrich

(It’s Fatman & The Joker)

Sure Newt’s a lying man-whore, it’s not shocking. But when any

Church becomes a PAC for Republican candidates during the

mass or celebration? They’re currently enjoying tax free status

(It’s true)

Welp, guess what? Not anymore *BOD’s, time to pay up bitches!

If you want to be in politics instead of religion, you’ll pay taxes

The “shame train” just left with Newt, Mitt, & Rick all on board

*Bag Of Dicks

Have a day!

Last night was the 759th Republican debate. Wait, no that’s wrong

It was the 1,782nd debate. Shit, they’re just squeezing them in now

(The Unelectable League)

That photo above says it all: Santorum: “Wait, am I even still here?”

Newt: “I hate everyone including me, but also like insulting others”

(“Do you Purell?”)

Mitt: “Holy shit, how am I losing to this group of idiots, I have $?”

Paul: “Freedom, Liberty, & I gotta go hit up an early bird special”

(“He sucks worse than me”)

Halfway through the debate, I expected the podiums to get up & leave

The clown car moves on, cue the circus music. Florida, you’re up next

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, AKA “Crackey Face” did this to Obama:

(Classy, douche bitch)

She has a book that included their meeting in 2010. In it, she said he

“Lectured me like I was a kid” & was “patronizing & condescending”

Odd, in 2010 after the meeting she called it “very cordial”. Lying bitch

(“I’m melting”)

On the tarmac she gave him a letter to speak again. The president said

He’d be glad to meet again, but noted after their last meeting, a cordial

Discussion in the Oval Office, the governor inaccurately described the

(The letter she gave)

meeting. She lied, & was mad he opposed her shitty immigration law

Now two years later. She’s drumming up sales for her wacko hate book

It’s all silly shit, but just note the racial idiocracy disrespect for POTUS

(Shut up McCain)

The office never had someone else in office jam a finger in their face

Speaking of “jamming fingers”, Hilliary will be stepping down soon

She will stay until they can find a replacement. Wow, so a new SOS

She brought the “sexy pantsuit” back. Thanks for your service Hillary

Oscar And SAG Snubs

Albert Brooks AND Ryan Gosling in “Drive”. Wow, I mean just wow

It boggles the mind how they were left off but Jonah Hill was put on

(“It’s SAG, got lucky as fuck”)

Nothing against Hill, good turn in Money Ball, but not at all Brooks

Voted this morning. A lot for a show that rhymes with Fodern Mamily

They’re on this Sunday night on TBS, & no I didn’t get $ for plugging it

Have a weekend!

Oh Newty Newty Newty. They are many names you could go by:

(“Hey “hot tits”, I got a deal”)

Dr. Blowhard, Mr. Potato Head Lying Machine, or Bag-Of-Dicks

Remember when he blasted CNN’s King on the “open marriage”

question? You know, the damningly true facts from his past?

(Yummy)

Welp, turns out ol’ Newt was lying. Nooooooooo, say it ain’t so…

BOD(Bag Of Dicks) in the debate & recently on CNN & said this:

Every personal friend I have who knew us in that period said the
story was false. We offered several of them to ABC to prove it was
false. They weren’t interested…they’d like to attack any Republican

(“Hi, I was just lying about you”)

Turns out, that’s not remotely true at all. The “several” he really had

Was, now get this, his two fucking daughters from his 1st marriage

His lies & overall “dick-a-tude” are growing with each passing day

(Moobs)

At the debate John King totally blew it, but now he wants to redo it?

The time to do that was then by saying, “Hey, her charge is clear

You claim to be a family values guy, & this shows bigtime hypocrisy”

(Sweep the leg Johnny)

He didn’t, he backed down like a dog newspaper swatted on the nose

Or like the main kid in any 80′s movie being challenged to a big fight

It’s Newt or Romney America. Sorry, but these turds just won’t flush

Another Fucking Republican Debate, Seriously?

It’s just like bad reality TV, only really great for all comedy writers

(Whoops, two are gone)

The over and under on tonight’s debate broken down by candidate:

-Time’s Santorm bashes the gays over/under is 5
-Time’s Newt says somethin dickish/bigoted/anti-media over/under is 20
-Time’s Ron Paul actually gets to answer a question over/under is 2
-Times Mitt Romney tries to sound folksy but doesn’t over/under is 30
-Times you change the channel to watch lions fucking over/under is 87

Why don’t they just get it over with & either have an open hand slap fight

Or the talent portion of the competition. Where Newt plays the trumpet

(Talent)

With his ass, & Rick Santorum tap dances his way in the heart of bigots

everywhere. Ahhhh, good times…gooooooooooooooood timessssssssss

Tomorrow, it’s all Oscar snubs. His name rhymes with Balbert Hooks

Have a day!

Obama gave his SOTU address last night to a “forced crowd”

(When does Bon Jovi come on?)

I mean, it’s not like they can blow it off. It’s their freaking job

Let me give you the gist of his speech: “American’s are hurting,

The middle class is dying, we’re getting outplayed across the

(“Listen up dickbags”)

Globe. To fix it, we must all work together. The wealthy needs

To pay more; they’ve been on the take too long. I’ve basically

Gotten zero help from Republicans. I’ve tired, & tried, & tried

(“It’s on bitches”)

some more. Well, the “trying” is over. American’s can’t wait

You pull this shit again, policy’ll be rammed down your throat”

It had way more standing up & sitting down than Sunday church

(“I stick my finger in her sn…)

Biden was asleep most of it, & had a tiny fly turd on his forehead

Boner was tan, dark, & stupid; & 300 gallons of Purell were used

Then Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels gave the GOP response:

(Fresh breath?)

How’d it go as Bush’s “former budget director”? Watch it here

It was the silly dog & pony show you expected, & right on que

Translation: “Obama didn’t make the mess he’s cleaning up.

(“I helped fuck it all up”)

We did, but tried to blame him him for it over the last 3 years

We also called him a Socialist, racist, Hitler, radical, evil, rapist

And even claimed he wasn’t born in this country. But that isn’t

(Ahhh memories)

Working on smart people, so we’ll try something new on you

He’s not fixing the mess we gave fast enough, or the right way.

You need to give us, the people who’s policies fucked this all up

(Remember that?)

The power back, to undo what he did, & make things worse again”

Oh, that is totally unelectable. You handed Obama a 2nd term

And your xenophobic bigoted hate-filled crowds won’t like that

Have a day!

Ritt Mormoney only made $47 million over the last two years

(Insert fake outrage here)

Which in his circle of wealthy friends, makes him the “fat girl”

He’s so like us, soooooo like us. He knows our financial pain

*Disney Record Scratch*

(No way!)

He has to decide between five G-6′s, & a fleet of golden toilets

Luckily he got both. You know, just like that “fat cat” teacher

From Wisconsin. Who has to decide between some toilet paper

(Romney’s new boots)

& new shampoo. They decided to just water down the shampoo

After all, you really got nothing if you can’t even cover your ass

In fairness, he gave $4 million to charities, but around $2.6 of

(Double Jesus shocker)

It went to the Moron Church; tax free. What a total big giver

I feel bad for Republican’s today. They have only two choices

Mr. Bigoted Lobbyist Rich Liar, & Captain Dreamy Rich Liar

(Biographies?)

It’s a “turd off”, so sit back America & enjoy the ride in 2012

Now Obama’s totally electable, when he was very vulnerable

Have A Day!

You just have to peel it away layer by layer, & it makes you cry

(Goody, it’s an Action Speech)

Tomorrow Obama’ll sing Al Green “Let’s Stay Together” again

Prompting Republicans to blurt, “Booo, you’re off Idol forever”

(Let it out buddy)

Honestly, Obama has his flaws. We all do, but the guy could

Cure Cancer, & they’d yell, “About damn time asshole! Let’s

(Let’s hug it out bitches)

Just think of the people you could’ve saved if you did it sooner”

It’s my birthday today. I’m 12. Thank all of you for reading me

Have a day!