Listen up fireworkers…

(Um, interesting title)

Don’t light fireworks with super short wicks. Save those for a jerky brother, or someone you really really hate. Short wick + low light = missing fingers…

(Kaboom!)

I should know, it took me 7 minutes to type this…

Rowe Needs Her Blanket

Alright lady, don’t you think the freakshow circus was enough when Jackson was alive with all the crazy stuff? I guess you really want to dial it up a few notches…

(Rowe rowe rowe your bloat)

Deborah, the ex-wife of Jackson and the mother of two of his children, has not reached a final decision on whether to seek custody of the children, said a lawyer…

I decided for you, don’t. One of the fucking kids names is “blanket”. Oh was he taking prescription drugs at the time of the naming? Naaaaawwww…

(Zoro, is that you?)

Good thing he didn’t pick one of the other things close by the blanket he saw at the time of naming him. Something like a toaster, remote control, or the dogs ass…

They already will be the most scrutinized kids on the planet earth, don’t complicate matters trying to be back in their lives. Jeez, their screwed up enough…

Going to the horse track today. I’m gonna grab a jockey and put them in my pocket…

I’m also betting on a horse named “My Balls” if they have one…

Have a day!

Finding out Kevin Jonas is now engaged must be like learning you have a new 103lb growth that takes your money, your pride, & your soul. It usually ends with you painting shit you never wanted too, doing dishes, or going to Loehmann’s on a Saturday during football season when your favorite team is playing…

(Queer eye for the singing guy)

Meh, not like I have an opinion one way or the other on marriage…

(True)

All I could really think when I heard it was, “Who’s the lucky guy?”…

He’s gayer than Gay Gayersons gay son Gaybe McGay…

This is what people call a “beard”. Kind of like this…

(A family of 5 are living it in)

Only for gay people covering up their gayness…

Meh, I COULDN’T care less(see what I did there?). If the kids happy, awesome. I still think he’s a gay robot sent to us from the Disney Corporation to touch our hearts, and teach us the true meaning of Christmas and product placement…

Scared Of Heights?

Then you won’t like this…

(Queasy, then puke!)

It’s the new Sears Tower “viewing box ledge”…

I just hope they have “clean up” people for those like me who are terrified of heights. After we piss ourselves, you’ll want to be cleaning it up…

Have a day!

Adunedodo danana, adunnnedo dannaaaaannnnaaannnaaa…

You know, from the intro song from Sanford & Son…

(It’s a list of chicks I banged!)

Turns out ol’ Mark had more encounters with Argentina than he previously told us. Also turns out he had sex with everyone’s girlfriend at some point…

His penis has spent more time out of his pants than in…

Women think it’s like Florida, they can sketch it from memory…

(Signs “Let’s Hump Chicks” legislation)

BFD…

The real question I have, is how many trips, gifts, or hotels were paid for by South Carolina. Oh, honestly, did you sleep with my girlfriend dude? Seriously…

Transformers 2 : Revenge Of The Fallen

We’ve already started working on porn titles for this little gem. So far I have…

(A budding “Bromance”)

-Transgenders 2: Revenge Of The Ballin’
-Transexuals 2 :  A Boy/girl We’ll Be Callin’
-Transporners 2 : Avengers Of The Maulin’

Add yours if you gots one…

Have a day!

Bernie Madoff “prison bitch” gets to spend the last 25 years of his life getting passed around like a one-hitter at a Dave Matthews concert…

(Say bitch!)

And it couldn’t happen to a bigger assface…

He got 150 years, then had the balls to ask the judge for “leniency”…

(Dick hat)

Judge chin called his acts of looting people, “extraordinarily evil”, and said no…

I’m surprised he didn’t get the gavel shoved up his ass by the judge…

Oh yeah, and his wife Ruth, not charged at all. Being silent is the same as doing it…

(She knows)

What a royal Bitch. She gets 2.5 million from US prosecutors. Boo hoo…

Don’t give me shit for excuses sister. Your excuses are like cat shit in the house…

No one wants any of it, and it really stinks…

Sayings I Don’t “Get”

Here’s one: “I could care less”. Shouldn’t it be, “I couldn’t care less”. That would make it right meaning “I already don’t care, but now I care even less than that”. The 1st way sounds like you still care saying, “I could care less, but now I’m interested”…

(High-larious!)

Here’s another one: “Knock yourself out”. What? You say, “I want to skateboard off the picnic table”. Your friend says, “Knock yourself out”. You should say, “If I’m unconscious, how can I still skate off the table? That makes no fucking sense”…

Think about it. If you have others one’s let us know…

Have a day!

Alright “Death” if that is what you like to be called. Unless you prefer “Mr. Death”, “Doctor Death”, “The Reaper Of Total Grimness”, or “Baron Von Killington”…

(Death has a dog?)

BTW, I’m using my “inside voice” knowing how you like to kill people…

(Ruby red, classy)

I’m not going to fight you on your selection of Billy Mays, but he was also 50 like Michael. You got something against people 50 or older? Sure he had a painted on black beard and hair that looked fresh from a spray paint can. Sure he was way over the top enthusiastic about mundane silly shit like switches, Oxi-Clean, or that thing where make the little awesome as shit burgers. Sure he was super annoying…

(Good advice Wild Bill)

But I’m gonna offer you some advice; slow down buddy…

You’re over-worked. Take a load off. Find a hobby. Buy a parakeet. Catch up on LOST. Have a good cry. If you find yourself “having to work”, I’ll give you a list of “assholes” that you can pull from. It starts with Jon & Kate + 8, and ends with Winehouse…

(Vacation, good idea!)

I don’t know if it’s even possible, but can “Death” work itself to itself? Cause you’re headed in that direction, just stay away the f away from me…

Shows on Saturday were fresh and funky, and the crowds were piles of awesome! Thanks to everyone who came out and rocked it like a hurricane…

Have a day!

Get there, do it, be cooler than an igloo, and hotter than lava!

(He’s coming to the show)

It’s at 8:30pm. take a date, have a beer and a laugh…

Then go have your dirty awesome car sex…or what ever it is you people do…

This is what people who don’t go look like…

(Spencer as a kid)

Get your tickets here…

Cross town classic again today at 3:05pm!

Hopefully the Sox are like a haunted mansion and have tons of bats…

Maybe this time Milton Bradly will actually finish the game instead of Lou yelling at him after his tantrum in the dugout, then telling him to go home…

(Mini-melt down)

A Milton Bradley Game Ode To Milton Bradley

You’re in Trouble from your Shenanigans Milton…

You give every Cub a Headache and drive them Bonkers!

They don’t need Perfection, just Don’t Break The Ice…

You’ve got Ants In The Pants by starting a Family Feud

Listen Buckaroo, Don’t Spill The Beans anymore or else

Your Easy Money will go KerPlunk sinking your Battleship

Have a day!

Even the Grim Reaper’s working over-time for job security…

(It was autoerotoasphyxiation, not me)

Three people in three days? Settle down “Death”, you’re over worked…

First Ed McMahon, then Farrah Fawcett, now Michael Jackson…

How about taking a fucking “staycation”, hanging out with your dog “Bonezy”, or try building a nice relaxing model and enjoy getting high off the glue fumes?

(Farmers want this beaut)

The thing I feel bad about is that Michael Jackson’s death sort of “upstaged” Farrah’s Fawcett’s death. Farrah had cancer. While many people close to Jackson are saying he was addicted to prescription drugs and over-dosed. Those don’t compare…

(Good point)

While Farrah was “taken” by cancer, Michael appears to have “quit” from his sadness. I’d like to have them change places for one day, hoping Michael could really learn the words to “Man In The Mirror”. Fuck cancer…with a big rusty chainsaw…in the face…

Jackson was the most influential pop-superstars and artists to exist in music. A wunderkind. In the late 70’s with Off The Wall, we couldn’t stop until we got enough. He was music in the 80’s with Thriller(a masterpiece never outsold/outmatched)

(Tiger was “hooked” too)

He was also never outmatched at fucking little kids, or at best “Fondlin’ them”. When you ply a 12 year-old cancer ridden kid with prescription drugs and wine, and want them to sleep in your bed, you got serious issues. But then when it looks like he’s going to “talk” you offer his family $20 million to keep quiet and drop everything…

Chances are pretty fucking good that you just paid for a “service”…

(Poor Bart)

The kid didn’t have “parents”, he had “pimps”…

Now that Michael’s gone, what will plastic surgeons do for a living?

Shit, who’ll put a diaper on Bubbles or dress him in silly human clothes?

Too soon? Yeah, but I feel like Michael Jackson jokes are sort of like the bargin bin at stores. Most are cheap, unless you stumble across a gem and find value in it…

Sadly he was a victim then eventual slave to his own success…

Who opened up “Neverland Wrestling Camp For Teens” before his passing…

Cross town classic, White Sox vs. Cubs today at 3:05pm on the southsidddde…

Have a day!

Iran’s President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has some harsh words for Obama…

(Lil’ asshole)

Obama said he was “appalled and outraged” by a post-election crackdown and Washington withdrew invitations to Iranian diplomats to attend Independence Day celebrations on July 4, stalling efforts to improve ties with Tehran

(They looks so happy)

“Mr Obama made a mistake to say those things…our question is why he fell into this trap and said things that previously Bush used to say”. WTF? Really?

Obama’s just like Bush now to the little fella?

I don’t see it. Bush couldn’t put together a complete sentence. He’d of said something like “Heh, what’s up with the killing of people and such? Not cool…”

(I know stuff, sort of)

He’d of went on to say, “We’ll be dressing a Justice Squadron in tights to fly over there and beat some serious ass unless you stop the retarded shit shorty”…

Lil’ spit fire homo hater even went on to bark at Obama, “Do you want to speak with this tone? If that is your stance then what is left to talk about?”

(Gladly missed this one)

Well, you murdering your citizens for starters captain taint hat…

But who’s to say? Remember, you can’t spell dictator without the “dick”…

Cheating Evita Style

Don’t cry for me Argentina. Cry IN Argentina, while stchuping someone other than your wife. Turns out Sanford was cheating on his wife with another woman. Damn, it wasn’t a guy like I thought, but I did say, another woman was the “at best”…

(Contact troubles?)

Kind of hard to hold that moral high ground on family values when you’re humpy humping in Buenos Aires on the side ace. He spent the last five days “crying in Argentina“…in between all the fucking and the such…

(On tests?)

I don’t care about his indiscretions. It shitty for his wife & kids, that sucks. We’re all flawed and make huge mistakes, but the issue is in his own party asking for perfection. It’s not rational. He accepted terms no one can ever really meet…

It takes balls to travel to Argentina to have an illicit affair in this economy. Sorry, but the best you’re getting from me is the local Red Roof Inn…

(Nice rape lighting)

And bring a roll of quarters for the magic fingers bed…

Have a day!

Remember when Governor Mark Sandford spent the last five days hiking the Appalachian Trail? Oh yeah, turns out that was way wrong…

(Where did I go?)

It was really a fucking trip to Buenos Aires, Argentina…

Can I get a “Brokeback Argentina” now? Just remember, I called it 1st…

(It’s refreshing)

Think of it. He goes on a five day trip, lies about where, it ends up being exotic Argentina, during fathers day weekend, away from his wife and four boys, without anyone knowing about it, also during Gay Pride week in NYC, then returns with a “I don’t get why this story is attracting such attention” attitude…

I smell “Gay Republican Governor”. At best, cheating. The funny part, no one cares except his own party that hates his possible “alternative lifestyle” choice…

Ugh, why do people do this shit to themselves?

(An oxymoron?)

It’s like watching a dog chase it’s own tail, catch it, then try to eat it…

It’s like watching the new Transformers movie hoping for a nugget of wisdom…

That’d be dumber than a wet sack of hammers…

Forget Ponzi Schemes…

Sure there’s money in it, but I want to try a “Fonzie scheme”. It’s where you wear a leather jacket, jump barrels or sharks or children, and look really super cool doin’ it…

(Thumb war anyone?)

After all the wacky adventures, I’ll be sure to get arrested. Then when the judge catches me, & looking gruffly at me with a gavel says, “Mr. Fonzirelli, you’ll get 20 years in jail for your shenanigans”. I’ll look up and say, “Yo judge, ehhhhhhhhhhh”. At which point, the judge will smile and blurt, “Oh Aurthur fonzarelli you lovable little scamp, case dismissed”. With a snap of my fingers out comes Boom Boom, & the Debetadetto twins from the jury all hugging my sides. Exit stage right…

My Voice…

Is on the Field Museum Real Pirates website…

(Arrrggh!)

Big thanks out to Perry, Nick, Di, sound Nick, and all the amazing people at DDB for putting together one swashbuckling site that plunders with the best of them…

Check it out, send stuff to your friends cells…

Arrrgh

Holy canon balls! Have a day!

SC Governor Mark Sanford hadn’t spoken with his staff since last Thursday. He left the state on what Sawyer called a “routine post legislative vacation” to unwind…

(Tax hike, take a hike, no dif)

He texted his office this morning to inform them all that he was actually stuck in Sid & Marty Crofts new show called “Land Of The Lost Governor’s”…

(Governor Sleestack I presume)

He left a couple of days after the Legislature adjourned after overriding his 10 vetoes and winning a court battle to force Sanford to request $700 million in federal stimulus cash. Ohhhhhh, I see, now the stuff he “railed against” and wouldn’t “touch”, he had to gobble it up on a yummy turd sandwich…

People were wondering where he went. Some said, he was on a “Broke Back Mountain Hike”. Others say he “needed to clear his head after the vote”. Still others say he went on a Vision Quest to find the nearest White Castle. But all wondered, “If he’s gone, then who’s in charge around here, the Lt. Governor?”. Sanford spokesman Joel Sawyer said, if there was an emergency, the office would consult with other state officials before making any decisions. But the kicker, his wife Jenny said on Monday, that she hadn’t spoken with him for several days, including Father’s Day…

(This has Michael J. Cox)

They have four boys. I think Broke Back Hike sounds about right…

What’s the difference between Waldo and Mark Sanford?

At least you can find Waldo…

RIP Ed McMahon

He-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-re’s death!

Too soon?

Not fun…but he was 86…

(Damn right!)

That’s one hell of a run. Come on, who wouldn’t have wanted a job for 30 years where you sit on couch, and laugh at another comedians jokes?

It’s a dream job for lazy comics.

Most of us have to stand up…give us a couch and it’s heaven…

(Typed in “Lazy Comedian”)

VO work all day. The 10:30pm show this Saturday June 27th is SOLD OUT! Only tickets for the 8:30pm show are left and going fast. Get em here…

Have a day!