Poor Roland Burris…

(He takes a question from Dick Mell in a wig)

Is he qualified? Yes…

Is he squeaky clean? Yes

Would he do a great job replacing Obama? Yes

Did Rod-o tap him because his political career is having it’s throat slit & he’s a minority?

Fuck YES…

Rod’s acting like porn king character Jerry Caesar from 1987’s Dragnet…

That flushing sound Roddy hears is his half-baked attempt to wiggle free from the political bear trap he’s caught in heading straight down the porcelain poop palace…

Movies Time Forgot

Today, we have…

(Big guns go shooty)

1974’s Super Dude!

The tag line: “His job was busting junkies. His mistake was loving one”

Everyone loves Super Dude, so long as he’s cool, black, and has two big ass guns…

When he’s old, mixed ethnicity, slightly over weight, and waiting on the Clark 22 bus…

(Is he crapping?)

Not so much…

Welcome back, now go have a day!

This book deals with kids accepting reality…

(Polar bears hide inside ice, then jump out?)

The kid in the story was named Matt. He’d also answer to “dumb-ass” and “Lunch”…

Q: What do you call a man with no arms and no legs?

A: A doctor. He’s obviously been in some kind of horrific thresher accident…

Remember, today is NFL play-off football, so if you’re a gambling addict, only eleven more games to loose your house, wife, and kids. Good luck and have a day!

Today is…

(Did you find your contact?)

Headaches! Number 2 is removing vomit from clothing…

Wow, the day after New Years, “headaches” are #1. I’m shocked. That’s like being shocked that the Bears are out of the playoffs, cars need gas, and water is wet…

Money Money Money

In financial crisis we trust…

(Instead it should be a casino)

People keep saying, “Gee, I hope this year is better than last year”…

As if we have no clue of the immense shit storm coming. It’s going to be a shitty year, but the good news is that like GI Joe PSA’s, “knowing is half the battle”…

(He says, “Go Joe”, “Let’s Roll”, & “Where’s my free quality health-care fuckers?!?!”)

Things will get better eventually, but ignoring the dire straits is like having a Hummer parked in your living room hoping one day you’ll come home and it suddenly won’t be there…

Funny Death Signs

What’s funnier than death signs? I don’t ever want to know…

(Dead people are paying out)

Have a day!

Did you know that 09 in the Chinese calendar is the year of the Wiggum?

(Pick a winner)

It’s all about Ralph Wiggum baby, so enjoy doing silly stupid shit. It’s the law…

Good to be back in Chicago, even though it’s 23 degrees. 23 degrees sounds like a shitty knock off band like 98 degrees but crappier…

Have a day, see you tomorrow!

Billy Ray: [as “Nenge Mboko,” an exchange student from Cameroon] Merry New Year!
Beeks: That’s “happy.” In this country we say “Happy New Year.”
Billy Ray: Oh, ho, ho, thank you for correcting my English which stinks!

(Shit, Lionel Joseph is white!)

“Please to help me with my rucksack?”. Sorry, I’m a sucker for movies that have New Years Eve in them and gorillas. But then again, who isn’t?

If 09 starts out sucking economically, I blame Clarence Beeks…

(Also the principal in Breakfast Club)

New Years Resolutions

Here’s a list of some NYR’s:

-Old people vow to “get younger by watching the movie Cocoon”

(She puts scotch in her ice cream)

-Lion fans decide to follow the Minnesota Vikings
-Promise that next year it’s a “fake” Christmas tree for sure
-Only seven drug trafficking related arrests this year
-Challenge your boss to a duel using either swords or pistols

New Choose Your Own Adventure For 09

Drum roll…

(Medicine cabinet drugs are best)

Bang! Now go have an 08 today…

See you next fall…

On Saturday, Bristol Palin gave birth to a son. Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston…

(Levi’s in the deep end, & can’t swim)

Really? Tripp…as in to fall accidentally…

Why not Slip Everlast Dunkin’ Generic Name, or Stumble Wilson Krispy-Kreme Toilet-ston, or Media Covered Kid Who Hasn’t Done Anything Yet Accept Being Born?

Please stop. We don’t care anymore. They’re Lobster Man at the carnival freak tent. They were odd, and sadly captivating once. Now, not so much…

Times Square Ball Drop 09

Ahhhh, the ol’ New Years Eve memories. Loudly breaking up with someone in public, getting arrested for urinating on a cop, then watching the ball drop with new friends in a jail cell…

Good times…

(Expensive ornament)

This year New York wants to try for added excitement. They decided to make the inside a Motocross Sphere Of Death during the drop…

(Spot the motorcycle drivers)

They will also be selling Lionel Richie t-shirts at 90% off. Start off 09 right!

Stripping School For Kids

Clearly the problem is parents aren’t starting out strippers early enough…

(Solid camera control)

Nice work mom, a perfect V. Start em young…

Have a day!

It’s only the best misogynistic face slapping far east detective comic on the planet…

(”I’ll paste you one good, see”)

I’d read new issues but I’m always too busy slapping fine gals around to turn the page…

If you like this fine selection you might also like:

-Chet Barksdale Alcoholic Stock Broker
-Rasin Legs Irrational Call-girl
-Donna White Thieving Housekeeper

Gaza Strip Troubles

GAZA CITY, Gaza Strip – Israel’s air force obliterated symbols of Hamas power on the third day of its Gaza assault Monday, striking next to the Hamas premier’s home, devastating a security compound and flattening a university building in the deadliest campaign against Palestinians in decades…

(Number of rockets he’s launched)

It’s the Hatfields and McCoys with sand, Stars of David, and Sunni militants. They both say their god said the land was theirs. Sadly Allah and God won’t clear time off their busy schedules to both come down and settle this in person. So until then…they’re kinda hosed…

(Below is an ad for Testicle Tonic)

Come on guys, if uneducated, toothless, jug playing, daughter raping, inbreed red necks from Kentucky can resolve their serious differences, surly you can too…

Wise Words

It is spoken, therefore it’s true…

(Keep the towel on buddy)

The Chicago Bears 08 season was like watching Doug Henning do magic for an hour…

While slightly entertaining, it was very hard to watch…

Have a day!

Shelly Lipton of Dixon, Illinois was mauled by her normally loving lab named Scooter…

(This photo might have done it)

Animal Control handler Steven Hildago said, “Sometimes owners dress their pets up in goofy as shit costumes one too many times, and the animals turn ultra violent on them”. Shelly suffered a broken collar bone, scratches, and was covered in urine. She also had bites on her hand, head, and crotch…

Shelly said she didn’t hold a grudge, but was in no mood to dress him in the near future. Asked if she’d ever do it again she said, “Not a fucking chance. I learned my lesson”…

Fun At The Beach

Some fun things to do at the beach are play catch, boogie board, and splash around wildly in chum-filled waters attracting sharks…

But how about burying your brother in the sand up to his neck?

(Huge sand bugs knawing at him)

It’s always fun until some punk kids with whiffle bats are looking for something to hit, or stray dogs come walking around, or you didn’t put sunscreen on him, or it’s high tide…

Not a good idea, unless you really hate your brother…

Off to the beach, have a day!

The Package Shark Pro. It’s for opening those hard clear plastic packages.

Only problem is…

(Package Shark even sounds funny)

I need a Package Shark, in order to open my freaking Package Shark…

Dammit, foiled again!

I Fibbed. I Also Got…

The John Candyland board game…

(Armpit Falls was not pretty)

A Shia Pet…

(It’s Moqtada Al Sadr green)

And Lawn Dart Tag…

(Extra points if you aim for the heart)

Big thanks to Flickrs yourshorter for the shots. Have a day!

Santa came, the tree is filled with presents, and your little brother is shit faced…again…

(Lil’ Kevin Jenkins is on his 4th beer)

It happens all too often. Baby drunks are the worst, especially around the holidays…

Why Do We Do This?

Some kids just don’t like Santa. He’s a fat guy in a suit wearing a fake beard, in a mall, asking little kids to sit on his lap and tell them what they want. They got every right to feel scared…

Some kids will never dig Santa parents, deal with it…

(No one looks happy)

Merry X-mas, have a day!