{"id":2324,"date":"2009-12-19T13:02:17","date_gmt":"2009-12-19T19:02:17","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/?p=2324"},"modified":"2009-12-19T13:02:17","modified_gmt":"2009-12-19T19:02:17","slug":"the-lap-of-horrors","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/2009\/12\/19\/the-lap-of-horrors\/","title":{"rendered":"The Lap Of Horrors!"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s that time of year. Where you set your child on the lap of some childless drunk&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/crying-santa.jpg\" alt=\"crying-santa.jpg\" height=\"232\" width=\"270\" \/>(Holy shit, it&#8217;s got us!)<\/p>\n<p>Entrusting them with the greatest gift of all, your kid.<\/p>\n<p>They them tell lies, &amp; get boners&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;ll ask the kids questions like &#8220;What do you want for x-mas?&#8221;, or &#8220;Have you been a good little boy\/girl this year&#8221; or &#8220;How much cash you got on you little shit?&#8221;<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/crying-kid-with-older-brother-on-santas-lap.jpg\" alt=\"crying-kid-with-older-brother-on-santas-lap.jpg\" height=\"363\" width=\"273\" \/>(&#8220;Share in my pain young Billy!&#8221;)<\/p>\n<p>The key is knowing your Mall Santa. If they&#8217;re not wearing pants, watch out&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>If they&#8217;re inaudible slurring their words making sounds, watch out&#8230;<\/p>\n<p><img decoding=\"async\" loading=\"lazy\" src=\"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2009\/12\/sand-person.jpg\" alt=\"sand-person.jpg\" height=\"406\" width=\"271\" \/>(They&#8217;re Sand People)<\/p>\n<p>If they are bald with neo-nazi tattoos, watch out&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>They&#8217;re not a mall Santa, just a guy filled with blind hate and pain&#8230;<\/p>\n<p>Have a holiday!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>It&#8217;s that time of year. Where you set your child on the lap of some childless drunk&#8230; (Holy shit, it&#8217;s got us!) Entrusting them with the greatest gift of all, your kid. They them tell lies, &amp; get boners&#8230; They&#8217;ll ask the kids questions like &#8220;What do you want for x-mas?&#8221;, or &#8220;Have you been [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"aioseo_notices":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2324"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2324"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2324\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2324"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2324"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.bolgernow.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2324"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}